Mary's Mom Reads Switchcraft

During the Little Dude's birthday party, Mom swiped a copy of Switchraft from my supply closet. Having reached the middle of the book, she called me the other night.

Mom: I'm at the part where Aggie goes to the baby class.

Me: What do you think?

Mom: By the way, are you going to have Aggie sleep with Nely's husband?

Me (not sure how we went from the baby class to this): I can't tell you. You'll have to finish the book.

Mom (mutters something I can't quite make out): So, were the moms from the baby class you went to as bad as the ones in the book?

Me: No. The ones at my class were worse. They tried to kill my son, remember?

Mom: That's right, those pendejas!

Mary's Mom Sends Us A Barbie Joke

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir? We have:

• Work Out Barbie for $19.95
• Shopping Barbie for $19.95
• Beach Barbie for $19.95
• Disco Barbie for $19.95
• Ballerina Barbie for $19.95
• Astronaut Barbie for $19.95
• Skater Barbie for $19.95
• and Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is theDivorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:

• Ken's Car
• Ken's House
• Ken's Boat
• Ken's Furniture
• Ken's Computer and
• one of Ken's Friends."

Too Close For Comfort

In case you were wondering, the lunch was excellent and that nimrod who was so rude to Mom wasn't there!

But here's another story for you.

My mom's co-worker came into work without a bra, which in Mom's book of rules, is a mortal sin. (As is wearing a black bra under a white shirt.) Apparently, the one bra that she had owned died and after everyone in the office told her to, she went to buy more.

Well, this same co-worker came back to work, now complaining about how she couldn't breathe very well but she was too afriad to go see her doctor. Mom's compassionate reply, "Maybe your new bra is too tight."

Ahh, Mom ... gotta love her!

In other news, I have a new Switchcraft contest posted on the site ... this time for a $10 Amazon.com gift certificate!

Best Bitch Slap EVER!

Sometime yesterday afternoon, my mom won Best In Show for Best Bitch Slap Ever.

Mom won a free catered lunch for her office and a total dumb ass had the balls to come up to her and ask, "So what are they giving us?"

Mom: Sandwiches from Subway.

Dumb Ass: Did you ask what kind?

Mom: No.

Dumb Ass: What if they give us shit?

Mom: Then you can eat it.

I'm so proud that I could cry. But don't you wish you could come up with zingers like that on the fly? I always think of good stuff to say days later.